Always b0ob0o

"If..."

2010-03-26T19:10:00.001-07:00

“If” is just one of those words….
The ones in which the possibilities are endless
“If I could….
….I would”
tends to be the general statement made,
or something along the lines of ,
“If I had….
Then I would….”
Sometimes it goes like,
“If I did….
Then it that would be…”
But here’s a new one,
One felt vividly by all the chambers of the heart,
but for once, left to paralyze
and remain unspoken on the tongue:
“If I wasn’t so afraid of landing in the fieriest pits of hell
Then I would crawl into a corner
and just await for Stillness to overtake me
In the Morbid Game
That most people refer to as Life…”

Wake Up

2010-03-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

Wake Up.
The Shocking Cold greets you with icy humor,
a sharp contrast to the inviting warmth of The Bed.
But before you know it
The Dangerous Chill has wrapped its freezing tentacles
constricting Mind, Body, Spirit, and Soul
Wake Up.
The tears dripping in an inundation at the cheeks,
despite the fact of the Dreamless Unconscious.
Wake Up.
Heart throbbing and heavy,
senses awry,
Turbulent Mind in turmoil,
confounded by every day surroundings.
Wake Up.
Defenseless and lethargic,
numbed but suffering every puncture of Ruthless Anguish.
Wake Up.
No Spark. No Energy. No Life.
No More.

The Life Cycle

2009-10-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

There were days when she was very happy without knowing why. She was happy to be alive and breathing, when her whole being seemed to be one with the sunlight, the color, the odors, the luxuriant warth of some perfect Southern day. She liked then to wander alon into strange and unfamiliar places. She discovered many a sunny, sleep corner, fashioned to dream in. And she found it good to dream and to be alone and unmolested.

There were days when she was unahppy, she did not know why --when it did not seem worth while to be glad or sorry, to be alive or dead, when life appeared to her like a grotesque pandemonium and hmanity like worms struggling blindy toward inevitable annihilation. She could not work on such a day, or weave fancies to stir her pulses and warm her blood.

-Adopted from "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin

To be or not to be...

2009-09-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

To be or not to be….
The answer I seek within You.
Although the question is buried deep within Me

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder
That may be...
But if you were to ask me,
It makes the heart grow weaker and weaker

To be or not to be….
The answer I seek within You.
Although the question is buried deep within Me

Are you the one for me?
It was meant to be a two
Yet once again we dance in this game of three
Will we ever be free?

To be or not to be….
The answer I seek within You.
Although the question is buried deep within Me

I don’t have the answers,
But the questions I supply in quality and quantity
They come in series
First one, then two, then three, then suddenly twenty!

To be or not to be….
The answer I seek within You.
Although the question is buried deep within Me

All I know is that you’re the one for me
All I know is that I love you more than she
All I know is that this distance is killing me
All I want to ask is why can’t anyone see clearly?

To be or not to be….
The answer I seek within You.
Although the question is buried deep within Me

When You See...

2009-01-26T14:56:00.000-08:00

When you have seen as much manipulation & control schemes in a place where it should last be seen if never;
When you have seen so much domination, so much stealing, and so many lies;
When you see favoritism and looks become the standard over responsibility, organization, and ethics;
When you suddenly find yourself catapulted into a place of egoism, jealousy, and abundant games of humiliation;
And see the place that once meant peace to you turned into a place where the simple mention of its name brings distress and a crease in your brow;
And see the place that has been the epitome of unity and that should always remain so become fragmented and broken, cutting the innocent and unaware like slivers of glass;
And see your favorite place, a second home, a place of contentment, a place of serenity, a place that required not short steps, or long strides, but quick leaps to it out of excitement, become a place of dread that required the dragging of feet or a skipping of it all together;
When you have to do the dirty work because standing up for yourself would only mean you’ve got an attitude bigger than the Amazon;
When you take so much more hurt and endure embarrassment, but out of love can only continue giving to a single cause;
When you are slowly being expelled from the group of equality to the group of inferiority,
When you are submerged in a bottomless well of lies and conniving attitudes,
When you are forced to see your family being laughed at because of issues like popularity & rank, status & money, looks & class, grace & elegance, the materialistic forces of the outside but not present within;
Then you will understand why the silence had to be put to an end, why the words that tumbled out of my mouth had to leave my lips at the time they did, and how the actions taken to stop the shattering of a beautiful place and society are not out of hate, but rather out of the exact opposite, love; It may feel unfair, it may be misunderstood, but these are the risks one often has to take in love; Remember you have to be cruel to be kind, and tough love is often what brings the best outcomes in the future.

Inspired by the great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's Letter From Birmingham Jail (Read it)

Exhausted

2008-10-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

(The title doesn't fit with what is written in the blog, but it is the emotion I felt when I wrote it. My close friends know what I'm talking about)

Everyone that thinks i've got it so damn together .... has no clue how bad im falling out... I'm like a teddy bear thats been through the family for 3 generations, been in the washing machine, dish washer, stains, the garbage disposal, has stuffing sticking out of it here there and everywhere, looks like its gonna shred to pieces with one touch, and gets tossed around so that while everyone's having fun with it, it's amazing...but wen they get bored just toss it to the next person or put in the dryer for fun. Frankly, this teddy bear needs to be sewed up and held or tossed in the bin for once and for all.

My sister

2008-07-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

This is another one the lovely cousin Zahra wrote for me :)

to my lovely sista !!hope u enjoyy it =D

She is my sister, not by bloodBut rather by love

When i cry she wipes away the tears

When i hide she takes away my fears

Always and forever will i love my sister

Faithful and loyal she does remain

Protecting me from a world of despise

Listening to every one of my cries

With arms wide open she nurtures me

and keeps away all that is wrong

She keeps me on track, never letting me stray

To my sugestions she will never say 'nay'

Thank you my sister for all that you have done

For without you all would be wrong

I love you my sister, with all my heart i do

The love for my sister is all true

--
love za!!
i no itz kinda silly but yah ! =D

What's wrong with me?

2008-07-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

What’s wrong with me?

I’m spinning in the dark
I’m jostling round and round.
I have no idea what’s going on.

What’s wrong with me?

I’m lost with no map
I need to scream but my mouth is sealed
I try to move but I’m paralyzed

Someone tell me, What’s wrong with me?

I’m hurt
I’m confused
I’m overwhelmed

What’s wrong with me?

The fear
The lies
The troubles
The sighs

What’s wrong with me?

The pain
Physical
Emotional
Psychological

Just tell me, what is wrong with me?

It hurts
Why?
What is it?
Someone help me, and tell me what I’ve done wrong.

Just, What's wrong with me???

Keep Smiling

2008-07-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

This was written by my lil cuzin and sister for life Zahra for me because she knew I was feeling down. I thought it was just too amazing not to share, so I put it up word for word as she wrote it.
Please read and comment because she did some hard work on it :). And now here it is :)

to my big sista..

keep smiling!! =)
if at tyms u feel u want to cry
and life seems sun a trial
above the clouds theres a bright blue sky
so make ur tears ur smile.

As you travel on lifes way
With itz many ups n downs
Remember its quite true to say
One smile is worth a dozen tears

Among the world expensive things
A smile is very cheap
And when u give 1 away
U get 1 back to keep.

Happiness comes at times to all
But sadness comes unbidden
And sumtimes a few tears must fall
Among the laughter hidden

So when my sister the saddens on her face
And trouble round them piled
The world seems a btter place
And all because you smiled .. =D

--
love zahra!!mwah!!hope u lyk it =D

People Keep Talking

2008-07-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, it feels like no matter what we do, people are bound to just talk.
Whatever you do, People Keep Talkin

Negative or Positive,
People Keep Talkin'

You try to escape
But they just keep on talking

People know you're not a drama queen.
But People Keep Talkin'.

You try your best
But they keep on talking

With every strain and every push,
People keep talkin

With every smile and every laugh
People just keep talkin'

You confront
They talk

You ignore
They talk

Shout and Scream
They talk

It doesn't matter what you do or what you say
People Keep on Talking

What If?

2008-06-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

A lot of times in life we ask "what if". What if I can’t go to the movies? What if she gets super angry? What if my dad finds out? What if I fall and break my leg? What if she laughs at me? What if he breaks up with me? What if he doesn’t’ like me? What if they think I’m a complete ditz? We just cannot seem to stop asking the "what ifs" and usually these "what ifs" are negative. So if you are what iffer, then remember this. What if none of these "what ifs" come true. After all that’s exactly what they are. "Ifs".

Scattered

2008-06-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

I’m scattered

Here, there, and everywhere
Up, down, and all around

Not necessarily bad
In fact not bad at all

Everywhere I go
There’s a different piece of me

On this end there is joy
On that end there is happiness

I’m scattered
But not lost

Over there is love
And right here is passion

Look up and you see craziness
Look down and you see adoration

Look right to find sanity
Look left to view intelligence

I’m scattered
And I wouldn’t have it any other way

One Summer

2008-06-19T14:33:00.000-07:00

Alright guys.
This one was written by my amazing and talented cousin Farwa (but you can just call her kinnypoo ;) ) and she actually wrote it about me so now I feel very special =]
Read and review because she wrote it with love (as a sister/ cousing) :)
And without further ado.. here it is :)

It’s amazing how one summer can change your entire life, change your perspective, change it all…Mine did…Until then, I had never known her, never thought of her, never cared for her. Until Then...But, she came along, that one summer…and now I know her, I think of her, I care for her.She taught me…stuff. That it’s ok to say what you think, and what you feel…It’s ok to want, to ask.She definitely changed it all…And now, I have one more person to think of, to love, and to care for, one more person to wish Happy Birthday to, one more person to add to my list of phone numbers, one more person to look up to and respect...One more person, and everything changes.But changes for the good.

She’s the girl I wanna be

2008-06-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

She’s got the hair
She’s got the looks

She’s got the clothes
She’s got the shoes

Attitude, check
Friends, check

Popularity, check
Boys, check

Slim and Beautiful
Yet… She’s not the girl I wanna be

The Girl I wanna be
Is That one

The one with the smile
The one with the laugh

The one who cares
And the one who loves

She doesn’t care what you have
But cares about all she has to give

So she’s the girl I wanna be
And I know one day I’ll look in the mirror and see that girl is really me

Your Angel

2008-06-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

You say I am an Angel
I say I am yours only

But what is an angel?
What does an angel do?

Angels guide…and angels care
They protect and they love

They offer their friendship for forever
And ask for nothing in return

An angel will always catch you
…Even before you’ve fallen

They take every burden of yours
And carry it on their backs

An angel will always take your side
And defend you in front of others

An angel will never leave you stranded
And for sure, they will never leave you hanging

Angels are guardians
You’re own protective charm

You say I am an angel
I say I am yours only

Maybe that’s not what other angels do
But it is what I promise to do for you

I'm not the mess you think I am

2008-06-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

You tell me that I’m ugly. You call me names. You say stuff that hurts. I cry but that makes you laugh. You think that my world is riddled with problems. You mock me and think I don’t see what is happening.

Yet I am not the mess you think I am.
The names you call me and the rumors you spread. The lies you tell and the dirty jokes you make. You think I don’t know and you think I’m stupid. You are wrong. I am aware. You are the reason I cry every night.

Yet I am not the mess you think I am.

You took my friends. You took my reputation. You made a mockery of me and defamed my name. I saw it all and felt every thing you did.

Still, I am not the mess you think I am.

You stabbed me and kept stabbing till all my blood in my body had flowed to the ground and not a drop was left in me. Yet you still kept stabbing. Even when the blood had run in rivulets you kept stabbing. The blood evaporated but you persisted in the stabbing.

But let me tell you, I am not the mess you think I am. You ask me why and it is because I have faith. You keep stabbing. You keep mocking and you keep talking. You keep taking and you keep wanting. But you know what, that’s okay. No matter what you do, I’ve got my faith. You can’t take it. You can’t steal you can’t have it.

So, in the end, I am not the mess you think I am, and I will never be so.

I’m trapped in a bubble

2008-06-18T13:04:00.000-07:00

Here I am. Here you are. I reach for you but you move away. You don’t feel it, and you don’t see it. When you do it’s too late. I’ve already floated away. I try to move out. I try to connect. But I’m stuck. I’m alone. I’m trapped. No. I’m trapped in a bubble.

This bubble isn’t normal. In fact it’s completely wrong. It’s not weightless and carefree. It doesn’t dance in the sun and shine brilliant colors. It doesn’t make people laugh or even crack a smile. It’s a hard shell instead.

I want to move I want to play. I want to dance with all my bubble friends. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be dark and ugly. I want to smile and laugh and be with you. But I can’t… not until this bubble, is popped at least.

Someone pop my bubble, please.

Questions

2008-06-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

There are those days when I just feel blurgh. It’s just something words cannot express. I wake up in the morning and I want to feel good and I want to be happy but there is that something with a strange feeling of melancholy hovering over me. What is that something and where is it coming from? It’s not depression. Is it? Surely not! Most days I feel great! Besides what is there to be depressed about? It’s not hormones is it? Maybe… I don’t know. Is it?? Is it the fight I had with my mom last week? Nahh it can’t be because that was fixed. I must just be feeling a little “less than”. But then, what am I feeling less than about? It’s all a series of questions. It’s just a never-ending cycle. Each question I answer leads to another unanswered question. I feel triumph over answering one question only to be viciously attacked by more.

I’m walking in a loop. But the loop has these twists and turns that make me think I’m going in the right place. For a while… Then it seems like I’ve been around the same loop and turn a thousand times before. With each possible repetitive and even new loop and turn I get more agitated and I stumble and fall over more questions.

I try to answer the questions but only succeed in bruising and injuring myself in the process, and of course stumbling over more and more. The cuts get deeper and the falls get steeper.

The vicious cycle continues on only to increase that hovering feeling over my head. Why can’t I just leave it alone? What is wrong with me? I mean going back to look what if I’m wrong and I’m not feeling less than? What am I feeling then? Is it multiple emotions? Why am I feeling this way? Is this a girl thing? Is it that feeling of claustrophobia that is raining down on me? But then why am I feeling claustrophobic? Maybe it’s the vulnerability? Wait, what vulnerability? Why am I feeling vulnerable? What is this? Why is this? How is this?

Stop the questions already! Please. Stop the cycle. Stop the falling and the hurting. Someone catch me. Please. Pick me up and hold me in your arms forever. Protect me from this cycle. But maybe, that’s not what I need. What if I just need to shake it off? What if I’m imagining it? What if I’m just crazy or I’m having a bad day? Shoot. I’m back to questioning…