What If?

A lot of times in life we ask "what if". What if I can’t go to the movies? What if she gets super angry? What if my dad finds out? What if I fall and break my leg? What if she laughs at me? What if he breaks up with me? What if he doesn’t’ like me? What if they think I’m a complete ditz? We just cannot seem to stop asking the "what ifs" and usually these "what ifs" are negative. So if you are what iffer, then remember this. What if none of these "what ifs" come true. After all that’s exactly what they are. "Ifs".

Scattered

I’m scattered

Here, there, and everywhere
Up, down, and all around

Not necessarily bad
In fact not bad at all

Everywhere I go
There’s a different piece of me

On this end there is joy
On that end there is happiness

I’m scattered
But not lost

Over there is love
And right here is passion

Look up and you see craziness
Look down and you see adoration

Look right to find sanity
Look left to view intelligence

I’m scattered
And I wouldn’t have it any other way

One Summer

Alright guys.
This one was written by my amazing and talented cousin Farwa (but you can just call her kinnypoo ;) ) and she actually wrote it about me so now I feel very special =]
Read and review because she wrote it with love (as a sister/ cousing) :)
And without further ado.. here it is :)

It’s amazing how one summer can change your entire life, change your perspective, change it all…Mine did…Until then, I had never known her, never thought of her, never cared for her. Until Then...But, she came along, that one summer…and now I know her, I think of her, I care for her.She taught me…stuff. That it’s ok to say what you think, and what you feel…It’s ok to want, to ask.She definitely changed it all…And now, I have one more person to think of, to love, and to care for, one more person to wish Happy Birthday to, one more person to add to my list of phone numbers, one more person to look up to and respect...One more person, and everything changes.But changes for the good.

She’s the girl I wanna be

She’s got the hair
She’s got the looks

She’s got the clothes
She’s got the shoes

Attitude, check
Friends, check

Popularity, check
Boys, check

Slim and Beautiful
Yet… She’s not the girl I wanna be

The Girl I wanna be
Is That one

The one with the smile
The one with the laugh

The one who cares
And the one who loves

She doesn’t care what you have
But cares about all she has to give

So she’s the girl I wanna be
And I know one day I’ll look in the mirror and see that girl is really me

Your Angel

You say I am an Angel
I say I am yours only

But what is an angel?
What does an angel do?

Angels guide…and angels care
They protect and they love

They offer their friendship for forever
And ask for nothing in return

An angel will always catch you
…Even before you’ve fallen

They take every burden of yours
And carry it on their backs

An angel will always take your side
And defend you in front of others

An angel will never leave you stranded
And for sure, they will never leave you hanging

Angels are guardians
You’re own protective charm

You say I am an angel
I say I am yours only

Maybe that’s not what other angels do
But it is what I promise to do for you

I'm not the mess you think I am

You tell me that I’m ugly. You call me names. You say stuff that hurts. I cry but that makes you laugh. You think that my world is riddled with problems. You mock me and think I don’t see what is happening.

Yet I am not the mess you think I am.
The names you call me and the rumors you spread. The lies you tell and the dirty jokes you make. You think I don’t know and you think I’m stupid. You are wrong. I am aware. You are the reason I cry every night.

Yet I am not the mess you think I am.

You took my friends. You took my reputation. You made a mockery of me and defamed my name. I saw it all and felt every thing you did.

Still, I am not the mess you think I am.

You stabbed me and kept stabbing till all my blood in my body had flowed to the ground and not a drop was left in me. Yet you still kept stabbing. Even when the blood had run in rivulets you kept stabbing. The blood evaporated but you persisted in the stabbing.

But let me tell you, I am not the mess you think I am. You ask me why and it is because I have faith. You keep stabbing. You keep mocking and you keep talking. You keep taking and you keep wanting. But you know what, that’s okay. No matter what you do, I’ve got my faith. You can’t take it. You can’t steal you can’t have it.

So, in the end, I am not the mess you think I am, and I will never be so.

I’m trapped in a bubble

Here I am. Here you are. I reach for you but you move away. You don’t feel it, and you don’t see it. When you do it’s too late. I’ve already floated away. I try to move out. I try to connect. But I’m stuck. I’m alone. I’m trapped. No. I’m trapped in a bubble.

This bubble isn’t normal. In fact it’s completely wrong. It’s not weightless and carefree. It doesn’t dance in the sun and shine brilliant colors. It doesn’t make people laugh or even crack a smile. It’s a hard shell instead.

I want to move I want to play. I want to dance with all my bubble friends. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be dark and ugly. I want to smile and laugh and be with you. But I can’t… not until this bubble, is popped at least.

Someone pop my bubble, please.

Questions

There are those days when I just feel blurgh. It’s just something words cannot express. I wake up in the morning and I want to feel good and I want to be happy but there is that something with a strange feeling of melancholy hovering over me. What is that something and where is it coming from? It’s not depression. Is it? Surely not! Most days I feel great! Besides what is there to be depressed about? It’s not hormones is it? Maybe… I don’t know. Is it?? Is it the fight I had with my mom last week? Nahh it can’t be because that was fixed. I must just be feeling a little “less than”. But then, what am I feeling less than about? It’s all a series of questions. It’s just a never-ending cycle. Each question I answer leads to another unanswered question. I feel triumph over answering one question only to be viciously attacked by more.

I’m walking in a loop. But the loop has these twists and turns that make me think I’m going in the right place. For a while… Then it seems like I’ve been around the same loop and turn a thousand times before. With each possible repetitive and even new loop and turn I get more agitated and I stumble and fall over more questions.

I try to answer the questions but only succeed in bruising and injuring myself in the process, and of course stumbling over more and more. The cuts get deeper and the falls get steeper.

The vicious cycle continues on only to increase that hovering feeling over my head. Why can’t I just leave it alone? What is wrong with me? I mean going back to look what if I’m wrong and I’m not feeling less than? What am I feeling then? Is it multiple emotions? Why am I feeling this way? Is this a girl thing? Is it that feeling of claustrophobia that is raining down on me? But then why am I feeling claustrophobic? Maybe it’s the vulnerability? Wait, what vulnerability? Why am I feeling vulnerable? What is this? Why is this? How is this?

Stop the questions already! Please. Stop the cycle. Stop the falling and the hurting. Someone catch me. Please. Pick me up and hold me in your arms forever. Protect me from this cycle. But maybe, that’s not what I need. What if I just need to shake it off? What if I’m imagining it? What if I’m just crazy or I’m having a bad day? Shoot. I’m back to questioning…