Questions

There are those days when I just feel blurgh. It’s just something words cannot express. I wake up in the morning and I want to feel good and I want to be happy but there is that something with a strange feeling of melancholy hovering over me. What is that something and where is it coming from? It’s not depression. Is it? Surely not! Most days I feel great! Besides what is there to be depressed about? It’s not hormones is it? Maybe… I don’t know. Is it?? Is it the fight I had with my mom last week? Nahh it can’t be because that was fixed. I must just be feeling a little “less than”. But then, what am I feeling less than about? It’s all a series of questions. It’s just a never-ending cycle. Each question I answer leads to another unanswered question. I feel triumph over answering one question only to be viciously attacked by more.

I’m walking in a loop. But the loop has these twists and turns that make me think I’m going in the right place. For a while… Then it seems like I’ve been around the same loop and turn a thousand times before. With each possible repetitive and even new loop and turn I get more agitated and I stumble and fall over more questions.

I try to answer the questions but only succeed in bruising and injuring myself in the process, and of course stumbling over more and more. The cuts get deeper and the falls get steeper.

The vicious cycle continues on only to increase that hovering feeling over my head. Why can’t I just leave it alone? What is wrong with me? I mean going back to look what if I’m wrong and I’m not feeling less than? What am I feeling then? Is it multiple emotions? Why am I feeling this way? Is this a girl thing? Is it that feeling of claustrophobia that is raining down on me? But then why am I feeling claustrophobic? Maybe it’s the vulnerability? Wait, what vulnerability? Why am I feeling vulnerable? What is this? Why is this? How is this?

Stop the questions already! Please. Stop the cycle. Stop the falling and the hurting. Someone catch me. Please. Pick me up and hold me in your arms forever. Protect me from this cycle. But maybe, that’s not what I need. What if I just need to shake it off? What if I’m imagining it? What if I’m just crazy or I’m having a bad day? Shoot. I’m back to questioning…